The Dark

Never been so down, c'mon...! When will I see the light again? I just need a glimpse of it.

Been messaging and calling but to a deaf ear. Please have some sympathy and mercy on my pathetic soul.

Dimming...

Its a week on since I last wrote on the blog and still not even a trace of hope. I've been trying hard to hide my disappointment and easy is not a word I could use.

After all this trying, I finally comes to terms that some human beings are really that heartless, I needed help from close friend but I get nothing, I needed my money back from a heartless B*tch and I get nothing as well.

I wonder how she sleeps at night, even with me begging and pleading with her, even my mom plead and beg with her. My family is in a mess, fell apart amid this huge problem. Almost hitting my forties and still have nothing to my name.

Light! Please shine on me.... soon.

Traceless of Light...

Seeking for that tiny thin trace of light look so distant away. I find it so difficult to plead with anyone, especially those who actually owes you a favour, a huge one for that matter. Done nothing in the past to hurt anyone's family, helped but in the end my family and my life fell apart.

Will this ever going to end?

I doubt anytime soon, unless people, or those who actually betrayed me pick up the phone and call me and say " Hey sorry, here's the money I owe you, knowing you need it more than me keeping it and not returning to you". No, I don't think so, but I pray and hope that will really happen, soon I naively think so.

At this moment I still wish everyone a good life. I really do.

Searching for the beacon...

After procrastinating about a decision, I decided to give it a shot to send a text message to that one person who indirectly ruin my life and asking her to return the huge sum of money that I loan to her a few years back, and as expected, there were no reply. Probably she is laughing at the moment thinking to herself : "Jerk! Idiot! It's not a loan, You gave it to me??!!"

Sometimes I wonder how oneself can assume about everything and take things for granted and as a warrant gift. If I am a wealthy person who doesn't mind giving ten of thousands of dollars away, yes why not, take it, but the realty is, I'm not.

Felt betrayed, cheated and jaded, this bottomless pit never ends. It's kind of useless shouting for help, no one will able to hear me when I'm way down at the bottom.

Losing trust and making people around me lost trust in me, it's just getting from bad to worst. Putting on a smile on my pathetic face is getting harder each day.

Nevertheless, I still seek for that beacon of light that will guide and give me hope. Yes, just a thin ray of hope will just do for me, for now.

Downsider...

I've just decided to write my first blog... basically its about how I feel and become at the moment.

Putting all these down seems easy.... easier than solving all those god damn problems and troubles of mine. It's not because I was directly betrayed or caused by someone else, many of these sh*t were my own wrong doings.

I felted as if the sky gonna fall on me anytime or... it had already fell on me! A bottomless pit is what I've falling into... endless way down.

I want to be strong, but recently been so hard to stay that way, my friends (well... most of them), families, relatives and whoever have left me one by one, not that they are dead but left because they felt betrayed, cheated and some other wrong ways create by me, me alone.

There's a chinese saying... when there's a problem with money, then it's not a problem that can't be solved..... utterly rubbish!

If you are reading this and felt that I'm being self pity then you probably be right... I don't want any comforting but just an outlet for me to get this off my chest.